i've sent mail!

paper, originally uploaded by staarkidd.

This is a day of blissful internal celebration! I've been wanting to complete a master's program for some time now. When i began, two years seemed like an eternity and that it would never end. And then today, i found myself finishing the last of my coursework and submitting my last assignment! Although the course is now finished, my last and most painful hurdle will be completing my dissertation due this fall.

I have come to understand myself as a woman with an amazing capacity for distraction. I cannot study in my home as i will go as far as carefully scrubbing my toilet as an excuse not to dive into the books. And yet as i prepare for a life void of the lingering due date, i wonder what i should do with the compartments of time and thought i have set aside for my studies. In a way, the studies themselves have become a major distraction for me. A place without connection. No professors, no classmates, no emotional games. Only theories, observations, and riskfree mental processing. A complicated escape. My mind spins with thoughts of freedom! what shall i do? capoeira? music? short film? For today, i plan to celebrate with a run through the park and an exotic weekend in ohio!

dark skies

sky, originally uploaded by staarkidd.

Although this is an old, poorly-touched up photo, it represents the skies that i've been seeing a lot lately around my house. my happy place is sitting in a hammock on the edge of a mexico ranch. I am looking out over a valley soaking under a dark cloud, heavy rain, and a violent wind, but the sun is shining on my hillside. the contrast of bright and dark gives me a feeling of such clarity and comfort. all the colors in the sun are saturated against the grey clouds... sigh...

This seems to best represent my place in life as well. i sat in a coffee shop this weekend and glanced up from my studies to look at an older couple beside me. something in her gaze and posture made me gulp back sudden tears. i went home that night and wept for her. i wept for all of us who have endured loss, who watch the storms passing along the horizon, who yearn for redemption, all who quest for clarity like the sun breaking open the dark clouds. Then a friend sent me this prayer of blessing written by brennan manning. this makes me smile.

May all your plans be frustrated
May all your expectations be crushed
May all your dreams vanish
That you may experience the total power loss and poverty in order to dance in the presence of a Father that has all you need.

Expressing myself

fedex, originally uploaded by staarkidd.

as many of you know, i tend to embarrass easily but always find an awkward situation well worth the blush. This week, i had one such blush... over a phone call.

as you may or may not know, i've been on the mend of some health issues this year. my holistic doc thinks she's found the root of my troubles. after traveling through 40 coutries i'd be suprised if i didn't have a few hitchikers tagging along for the ride. in order to identify these 'friends', i needed to send in a few "samples" to the lab. that in itself is fairly embarrassing to share.
so, i got a call from the lab this week. they recieved my samples, but ithere was a problem. it makes me blush even now to think that i could be the type of person that would send someone a package of my poo and a bad credit card!! i can't think of anything worse to do to someone! josh, however, helped me recognize that at least i didn't send it to a wrong address.